u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
