god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
