I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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