I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Randomize
