I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
