when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
