Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
ok first of all what the fuck
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
