His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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