when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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