i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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