just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
