I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
