The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
