I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
don't judge my taste in strippers
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
