does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
So many bounce houses so little time
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
