i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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