so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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