He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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