Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
