You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
