Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
