just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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