If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
