Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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