I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
