my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
