My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
