I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Randomize
