even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
