If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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