I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
