he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
