Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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