I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
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