I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
