We named our party play list daddy issues
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
