He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
