If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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