Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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