who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
