Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
