I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
