Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
