I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
