Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
i've created a new STD.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
