I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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