I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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