dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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