my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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