When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
