: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I puked a lego.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
