Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
